“How often? All the time. Constantly. Every Tuesday and Thursday, watching for when Bernard would walk through those doors. Every time he came to the gym on Saturdays hoping Bernard would be there, or hoping he wouldn't be, Will could never decide which. Lying in bed at night replaying their arguments, thinking of better comebacks, getting angry all over again at something Bernard had said hours earlier.”
“Bernard had been living in Will's head rent-free for a year and a half and Will had told himself it was because he hated him.”
“Charlie felt the dread the moment he crossed the threshold. It pressed in on him, heavy and suffocating, like a hand closing around his throat. His heart pounded in his ears, loud and irregular, as though the house itself were listening.
For a brief, terrible moment, he considered turning back.
Then the music swelled, the lights flashed, and the feeling vanished, leaving only the certainty that something had noticed him.”
I wrote this for my sister in honor of her wedding, mostly because I got drunk in the days leading up to it. I am releasing it now because I completely forgot it about months ago.
A villain's plan to expose three mermaids falls apart when she can't lift the Hydrow rower she needs.
A Viking chief rallies his crew for battle until a cheerful Hydrow athlete rows past their warship.
A woman realizes tissue paper and toilet paper aren't the same thing—but Charmin works for both.
“They'd warned him about a lot of things, actually, their weathered faces pale with terror as they'd pressed a purse of coins into his palm. The witch who lived in the old castle, they'd said, was a monster in human form who stole children in the night and poisoned wells with her dark magic. She communed with demons, danced naked under blood moons, possessed eyes like a serpent and a tongue that dripped venom. Death itself, they claimed, draped in woman's flesh.”